TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL

I have been told that loosing a child is the worst ever... I am here to tell you that the near loss of a child is just as bad. Our son was born July 24, 2007 and we knew there might be some problems with his heart but we were not prepaired for the road we were getting ready to travel. All was going well we were anticipating the arrival of our son, child number 3. Labor was not too bad,we were all happy at this point, but soon after his birth things went terriably wrong...we were on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. Terry was not breathing well on his own and we didn't know why. As the doctor was checking him out he discovered that Terry had no "hinney hole" but I was more concerned with the not breathing well thing. They told me that he may not make it and that he had to be transfered to Childrens Hospital in Norfolk..... I was devistated as was my husband. How could this be he was fine...I kept tellign myself he was fine but the fact of the matter was he was not! So they get him stable and tell me that they are ready to leave with him and brought him in to my room for me 2 say goodbye...WHAT! I didn't want to say goodbye. would this be the last time I would see Terry? All these things go through your head. I was in a state of shock. David went with Terry and he was all to peices himself and when they got to the hospital they took Terry away and stuck David in a waiting room all alone for about 12 hours no one came and talked to him he was not allowed to see terry or know what was going on. So here we were in 2 different citys doing the same thing crying and wondering what was going on with Terry and if he was even still with us. I could not sleep I could not sit still. I had just given birth and he was gone I couldn't hold him, touch him, bond with him it was an awful feeling. And it was just the beginning of a long long road. I couldn't wait for the next day to come so I could leave and go be by my sons side which is where I needed to be. Once we got there and the doctors were with Terry and they were trying to talk to me i stopped the doctor mid sentence and anked him "IS MY SN GOING TO DIE?" I think the doctor was stunned by my question because it took him a while to answer. He told me no, but that we really were not out of the woods yet. so there we were on this rollercoaster with many hills and twists and turns. We couldnot stay with him at the hospital we had to leave every day...that was the worst part of the whole thing. leaving and not knowing if he was going to be alright while we were gone. there was a sence of guilt and a sence of emptyness that could not be filled by nothing.

LIFE AND DEATH

When we are children most of us do not have to face death at an early age, mots of us are lucky enough to not have to deal with it until later on in life. Not me! My very first experience with loss was when I was 11 years old and my Aunt Inge passed away. I was confused and didn't really know what was going on. All I knew was what my father told me which was "you aunt has died and has gone to heaven" he never really explained the whole death and dying thing to me. So for a long time I was really confused. I have lost a lot of loved ones over the years but I have to say the the worst by far was my mother. She died November 3, 2004. That day will forever haunt me! Yes I was an adult when she passed but that does not make it any easier. My mother was my best friend and in an instant she was gone. It is a very hard thing to go through. I feel like I will never recover from that! People told me how sorry they were and that things would get better and after a while I would forget...NO! YOU NEVER FORGET!!! and NO it don't get easier you just learn how to adapt to life with out your loved one and you keep going but it is in the back of your mind all the time and you think about it all the time. Our string of losses all started in May of 2004 when my husband lost his mother to cancer and the n my mother in November 0f 2004, then there was my grandmother in February 2006 and my husbands grandfather in October of 2006, and my grandfather in September of 2008. My children have been dealt with a "lifetime of loss". And they are still recovering from them all but I ask you: Do you ever really recover? and If you do, at what cost to you?